Sunday, October 4, 2015

A plan from the buzzed chef

I am the girl who likes to get drunk and cook dinner. I am the girl who regrets only when she's intoxicated. I am the girl who won't leave her kitchen dirty... no matter how much wine has been consumed. I both love and hate to plan...for anything. I want nothing more than to lay in my bed all day and read, but I won't allow myself to be so lazy. I have issues. I want someone, anyone, to spend time with me while I cook, and drink, and clean. I need someone to hug me. A for real hug, a meaningful hug. I need someone to care. But it can't just be anyone, it has to be someone I want to care for me. Someone I care about too. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of praying. I'm tired of hoping... I'm just plain, tired. I'm almost 30...30! And any guy I meet just drops me, looks at me as if I'll only be in their lives for a solid 48 hours and where I have hope they have empty feelings. Time and time again I fall, I fall and fall hard and then fall back to the place that is so dark and so remorse and so much in the past that is kills me. Nothing is going to change the choices I've made, and when i'm not sad, I can be okay with that. But it's those moments of rejection that bring me back so forcefully to a place that makes me think I just didn't try hard enough. Sane me knows there's no truth behind that at all. Sane me knows that I did everything and that for some reason unbeknownst to me it was not part of the Plan. I hate the plan, I hate and I love the plan. The plan gives me hope, and the plan also kills my dreams...is the plan just a way to excuse the bad things in life? A way to make me feel better when things don't go as I hoped? This blows. And I shouldn't drink alone anymore. Time for bed.

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